i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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