I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
