awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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