i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
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you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
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Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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