Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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