Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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