I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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