You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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