Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
