Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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