life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
