dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
