____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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