Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
