btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Randomize
