I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
