It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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