I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
