Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
