Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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