is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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