Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
