well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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