dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
