and she was petting her beer can
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
