dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
