Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
