If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
