watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
