I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
