so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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