Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Randomize
