Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
