What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
