I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
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