i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
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