She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Come back. Shots need mouths.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
