we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Your penis caused this!
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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