I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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