I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
