he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Randomize
