is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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