I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
