i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
