What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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