On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Randomize
