This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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