but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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