OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
All I want is dick and wine.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
