And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
