I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
