I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
