dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
The feeling are messing with the penis
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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