oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
