My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
