Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
