dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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